Originally published in The Chronotype.
Time flies when you’re having fun, they say. Thirty years is a long time, but it’s flown by, so we must be having fun. That would be me and Sue, as we will note our 30th anniversary this month.
My first day on the air at WJMC was May 20, 1991. One segment of my morning show was calling this gal at the travel agency to talk travel. What did I know about travel? I’d never been anywhere. The first one was a little rough. My boss, Tom Koser, suggested I go down to her office and meet her. Three days later, that’s what I did. It’s not often that anyone can pinpoint the exact moment their life changes, but that was it, for both of us. Neither of us realized it at the time, though.
We didn’t start dating for another year and a half, and it took three more years before we tied the knot, at a resort on the island of St. Lucia. I remember I was in a bit of a daze all day. The woman of my dreams was about to become my wife. Since then, that daze-y kind of state comes around now and then, when this thought strikes me: “Is this really happening?”
Here we are, 30 years later. If you had slipped me a note on our first date, listing everything that would happen to us over the next three-plus decades, I would’ve accused the note-passer of being seriously intoxicated. “Dream on,” I would’ve said. But again, here we are.
I won’t go over that list, although I’ve written about many of those things. What I’d like to write about is the secret to a long, happy marriage. But I can’t write about that, either, because there is no secret. The answers are out there, staring every one of us in the face. All we have to do is pay attention.
There is communication, of course, and being careful with your money, and consistency in child-rearing. Knowing when to argue about something, and when to stop. “Never go to bed angry at each other,” my grandfather once told me. There is knowing how to read your spouse’s moods, being respectful of each other’s opinions, and being willing to tolerate little habits that might otherwise be annoying.
You need a high degree of compatibility. The more common interests, the better. You’ll never agree on everything, and that’s okay. I like superhero movies, for example, while Sue prefers the Hallmark channel. Our e-readers hold vastly different libraries. But we both follow the Brewers and the Packers, insist on a clean and orderly household and we even drive the same make of SUV. She has taught me how to eat healthy, so Cheetos and Pepsi are long gone from my diet. In return, I introduced her to martial arts training. She’s now the unofficial bodyguard for her travel companions on business trips.
The former Navy SEAL and author Rorke Denver recently wrote about marriage. Here’s what he recommended for marital success:
–Pick someone who will go to war with you. “Someone who will endure highs and lows, fire, wind, storm and squall, when they could just as easily choose to stay dry.”
–Never stop pursuing one another. “It’s the chase, the fiery pursuit, that keeps the spark and the flame burning.”
–Never disrespect your partner, especially in public. “Respect is one of the most potent and impactful exchanges you will ever have with another person. Maintain respect and you will weather any storm.”
–As Shakespeare says, “they are in the very wrath of love, and clubs will not part them.” Like wrath, love is an emotion so intense that it can drive your entire life. Love for your spouse drives it in the right direction.
–There are merits in suffering. “That is where growth lies, and great mysteries are revealed and answered. Marriage is an epic commitment that will test all that you both have.”
Poets throughout the ages have written about the love a man feels for a woman, but for me, this quote by the late Charles Bukowski nails it: “Look, let me put it this way. With me, you’re number one and there isn’t even a number two.”
Happy anniversary, babe!
A Strenuous Writer's Life 